Feel free to comment on this my first attempt at a scene from a story idea that I have had for a game with the working title, Bounty. Over the next few months I plan to post different scenes from the same story to gather feedback on my style of writing and possible improvements to the scenes/overall story.
Any feedback is welcome though so crit away!
Facing the Captor
The woman looked towards her husband and daughter's faces. Her husband's she could barely see from the position he was laid in. The tall strong, man that she had always known her husband to be had been reduced to a small, still curled up mass. His face, arms and legs were covered in black and blue bruises, cuts and welts. His wounds had gone untreated for so long that it looked as if infection was setting into them.
Her daughter was kneeling down over her father, quiet while continuous streams of tears rolled down her face. Her father could no longer protect her and this she now realised. Her eyes, big, brown and glassy, were looking to her mother now for protection. To carry her away from these monsters who had ripped her from her slumber in the dead of night.
The woman collapsed to the her knees on the cold, hard, marble floor and sighed. "What do you want from me?" she said slowly raising her head to face the one responsible for shackling her and abducting her family prisoner.
A man sat on a large throne a short distance in front of her. He was elaborately dressed in layers of silk clothing. The throne he sat on was tall, gilded with gold and set with rubies and small emeralds at the top of the chair back.
He leaned forward slowly, a smile slowly creeping across his face. He knew he had finally gotten his way. "Why, your remarkable and legendary skills of course".
Not bad. There's a couple of things I'd change in terms of use of language but the flow is fairly good.
ReplyDeleteVery nice, but try to read it out loud and you'll find you don't like the structure of some sentences and re-write them.
ReplyDeletePersonally I might tweak some bits to make them a tad more flowery, but that’s because I like more BS in my language.
ReplyDeleteSo “The tall strong, man that she had always known her husband to be had been reduced to a small, still curled up mass.”
Could be: “The strong, unbent man who had been her husband was now withered beyond recognition, curled in a useless gesture of defence against the wounds already inflicted, and those still promised.”
“His wounds had gone untreated for so long that it looked as if infection was setting into them. “
“His wounds had gone untreated for so long that the peculiar mottles of rot stained much of his visible flesh.”
And so on.
“Her father could no longer protect her and this she now realised” might flow better in a more common structure.
“She now realised her father could no longer protect her.”
Replace the word protection with safety just to avoid using two forms of protect.
I really like the story, promises to be very grim and this serves as an intriguing beginning. I want to know what happens next.
Thanks for the comments so far guys. I'll try to make my sentences more descriptive and "flowery" in future.
ReplyDeleteI'll re-write this and extend the scene some more. Hopefully it will be entertaining